I don't know if it's just the time of year or if it's the huge drifts of snow fossilizing along the roads but my depression has been an insidious ghost enveloping me. I can't seem to shake it this year. It's worse and it's better. I can recognize it and beat it back so it doesn't completely overwhelm me but my feet are dragging and I can't outrun it. Usually my depression besets me to the exclusion of all else but this year, I feel like I'm just a spectator; watching it all unfold through the looking glass. It's disconcerting but it's better than being carried along in the deluge. I know there's really nothing wrong and that my life is good and I am happy. It feels like I have one of those viruses that hang on and on and make you feel like you've been hit by a truck.
Maybe I just need spring. I have a yearning, an ache and a hunger for spring that can't be satisfied until I can smell that deep, earthy, wet smell of decomposing leaves and tiny green shoots of new life. This year, I am counting the days and the hours.